The Unsinkable Dawn B

My experiences with my oldest, Dawn:

From when I met her at 4 through middle school, Dawn and I were in synch. I attended all her events (school assemblies and plays, athletic events and church programs, the weekend trip to the beach, etc.). I took her out of school on opening days to see new Star Wars movies with me, and Dawn could imitate my Fred Sanford dance with me when I played James Brown CDs. I told people I met that Dawn was my daughter (did not use the adjective “step”) and she enjoyed hanging out with Daddy D.

Dawn mentioned that she always wanted a little sister, and would be happy to have another kid in the house…but once high school began, there became days when I did not recognize the person who used to sit on my shoulders when we went to a picnic, or saw EVERY Disney movie on opening night. The battles Dawn had with her mom were legendary. Once the water faucet at the back porch broke off during a wrestling match Dawn and Lisa had. We called a police officer to prevent Dawn from causing more damage to the home, where the officer responded, “Why didn’t her father do anything?” There was a line I was told not to cross with Dawn by my wife, and I knew it would be over for me if I took a swing at Dawn, even if it meant Dawn was disrespecting her mom and me.

If Dawn would not do her chores, we would ban her use of her cellphone (that was purchased by Lisa and me). In one instance, Dawn hid my new iPad and said she did not know where it was…her “payback” for me taking away her cellphone for not following our rules… I wanted to sling Dawn out the front door like a sack of potatoes.

Dawn attended personal counseling, Lisa and I attended a family counseling session where I heard one stepfather mention how he “didn’t know what to do.” Lisa and I had Dawn spend one night in a counseling ward when she became uncontrollable; grabbing a knife, she told a four-year-old Taylor how scared she (Dawn) was, and that she felt no one cared about her. Dawn said she wondered why we were not like other families she visited, where everyone was like the Cosbys (in the 1980s) and each family member was loving to each other.

Lisa and I came to realize that a source of Dawn’s pain came from the change in her status after our youngest, Taylor, was born. There is a 12-year difference between Dawn and Taylor, and Taylor immediately took the spotlight away from Dawn. Dawn had 100% attention from her mom from birth, and it was shared with me for 8 more years before Taylor’s birth. After Taylor was born, there were visits from family members across the country to see the new infant, the christening at the church, Taylor’s face as my wife’s advertising for her photography business, a Godmother and Godfather who purchased Taylor top-level clothes and toys, I began taking Taylor to all the Disney movies, etc…

NOBODY wants to feel like they’re second class. The U.S Polo Club to the Ralph Lauren Polo. The Apple X or Samsung 9 to the ZTE flip phone. The Ajax dishwashing liquid to Dawn dishwashing liquid (If you have washed dishes, you know what I’m talking about). When you have a blended family (or any family for that matter), EVERYONE has a right to feel valued and important. I had to realize that everyone needs their time to be engaged with and listened to. Even when you’re telling someone “Good Job,” the person needs to know WHY it’s a good job. My relationship with Dawn changed…if I did not understand her aspiration to be an actress, I could still support the right to live the life she wants (as long as it’s legal), and Dawn had to understand that she had a little sister who looked up to her, and when Dawn got into fights with her mom, Taylor would be in tears as well.

Dawn currently has a job with a medical billing company, and is encouraged by her ability to make sales and win incentive contests (even at her most chaotic, Dawn was always an effective salesperson). Dawn has a late model car, and is learning about financial/personal responsibility to be prepared for her own apartment (after sharing an apartment with a co-worker for a number of months). No one is perfect, and if we were all judged based on our worst day we all would be drowning in a lake of fire. I continue to root for Dawn; I think she has a boyfriend now, but I hope she still has time for us to see the new Mission Impossible movie this month (our tradition).

In case you’re wondering, Dawn is the shorter one, at 4’11” and three quarters (her words).